Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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