WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
