Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
