its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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