I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize