Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
