its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
