My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
