he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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