I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So many bounce houses so little time
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
