I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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