We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
