I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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