im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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