Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
