Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
