i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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