I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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