I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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