you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
