i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
