I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
