She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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