My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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