Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I would ride that face into the sunset