You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
is wine microwaveable?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.