I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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