FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
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Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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