I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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