Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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