matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
