you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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