if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
