If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
