Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I forget how to act sober
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
