walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
