Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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