there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My bed smells like the plague
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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