After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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