Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
