Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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