What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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