Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
