I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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