You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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