cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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