I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
