You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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