Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
