WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
