I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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