I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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