i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We talked him into tasing himself.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
