I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
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Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
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My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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