So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
